


Keep Your Feet Moving

by Infusi



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Gen, Hurt Jensen Ackles, Hurt/Comfort, Sick Jensen Ackles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-02
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-05-04 13:32:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5335916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Infusi/pseuds/Infusi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Exhaustion or something more?  Jared worries that there's something going on with Jensen, and it's more than just being exhausted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First time I've done anything like this, so I apologize ahead of time. Rated for some minor language only, otherwise very tame. No sex, or violence or even rock and roll. Just some sick and hurt Jensen and the way everyone around him deals with it.

Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki unloaded their stuff as they made their way through yet another airport security line. It was robotic now. Between trips home to their families, conventions, and various publicity related stuff, planes were part of life. The two men had found themselves pushed together for work, all those years ago on a show called Supernatural. Boys really, back then. Fate, luck...destiny, whatever it was that worked in harmony to land the two of them in that office, they were thankful for, in a time when they hoped they might get a season or two out of what was adding up to be a good show. Now in it's twelfth year, the show continues to draw new audiences and fans. By virtue of proximity (they've spent more time together over the last 11 years than either of them have with almost anyone in their lives aside from immediate family), and as luck would have it, strikingly similar backgrounds and complimentary personalities, they had forged something that is unheard of in the industry. Hollywood is not known for it's long term relationships, even among friends. But Jared and Jensen had become family. They had become so like brothers, that the fandom often exploded despite its self, when getting wind of their off-time adventures. It made for some fun fodder that the two men sometimes enjoyed egging on, and joking about, often reading slash fiction out loud to the crew for laughs. The truth, they'd say, is much more boring. Two nice guys, with similar backgrounds stuck with each other for hours and days on end, the time had bonded them. The two shared their lives and families as though they were all one, and it was through that familiarity that Jared had become aware that something was amiss with his friend...his brother.

**********************

Both men knew the other inside out. Jared knew the subtleties of Jensen's expressions and what each meant. Jensen knew that Jared thrived on reassurance and closeness and that being an ear was sometimes all he needed. Jensen would always strive to take care of his relationships and to nurture them. He maintained a consciousness of which relationships were worth cultivating and he made sure to take care of those people. As a result, his intimate circle was small. Jared, though he would never tell Jensen, had always admired this and felt somewhat privileged to be such a large part of that circle. Jensen, though he would never tell Jared, felt privileged to have found such a strong counter balance for himself and somebody else whom he trusted so fully. Though there are few men as genuine as Jensen Ackles, especially in the entertainment business, he has his walls, and often, it's only Jared who can see past them. 

Jared is a much more outwardly emotional guy. Jensen turns inward. He stews and those who know him best often say you can see the gears turning behind eyes with a laser focus on seemingly one thing, yet nothing at all. Jared knew this. He knew to be available when Jensen was struggling with something, but on Jensen's time. Jensen was legitimately the nicest guy he'd ever known, and Jared knew that this was often at Jensen's own expense. He was much better at stuffing down his fatigue, whether physical or emotional, than Jared. This quietly worried Jared, but then again...Jared was a worrier by nature. So when Jensen began to have episodes of checking out, or moments of appearing confused, Jared's radar was on high alert. Jensen wasn't saying anything, not that Jared would expect him to, not without some gentle nudging. 

Supernatural had wrapped the episode late that night. It had been a Dean heavy week and so it stood to reason that Jensen was exhausted. He was professional as always, but had quieted down in a way that everyone knew to mean Jensen was on edge. The last several hours seemed to drag on. Jensen had immense guilt, because he felt the blame for the long day rested squarely on his shoulders. “I'm sorry guys. This is so stupid.” He'd seemed to be on a loop, repeating it. There were too many takes for his liking, partly because he missed some cues. The crew and rest of the cast never batted an eye. Jensen's guilt was self imposed. They assumed he was simply exhausted, and by all outward appearances, that seemed to be the case. Jared, on the other hand, was growing more concerned. He'd seen Jensen blank out and miss one too many cues this week. A few times, he glanced over and found a look on Jensen's face that Jared didn't recognize. He figured because of the hours logged looking at that man's face, Jared knew every Jensen-look there was. But not this one, and it was gnawing at him. Normally, Jared would wait for Jensen to finally have his “come to God” moment with him, but it was nagging him enough to bring it up himself. 

“What's going on with you man?” Jared finally confronting Jensen, with his hand on his shoulder as they headed towards their trailers to shake off Sam and Dean. 

“I'm fine. I'm just tired I guess. Long week, back to back conventions. It's just catching up to me. I'm missing the girls too.” Jensen said, with enough conviction that Jared almost believed him. He knew how hard Jensen worked to fit in time with his wife and daughter, and Jensen openly expressed his fear of not getting to them in time if they needed him, or that they will resent him for so much time away. It was one of the few things he didn't hesitate to talk openly about, even with fans. 

“Are you sure that's all there is to it? I've never seen you like this, Jensen. You seem kind of out of it. If you're that tired, maybe you need to skip the convention this weekend.” Jared said, side eyeing his friend.  
“Man, I know I'm spacing out.” Jensen could see his friend needed some reassurance. “I don't even know I'm doing it. Other times, I feel like I'm in a glass box. I can see people, hear them...but it's like they are muffled or far off. Aaannd...now I realize that I sound nuts,” Jensen joked, trying to lighten the conversation. "I just need a break. It's the last convention of the year, so I'm not skipping out on it. Lets get our shit together and get this over with. I'm sure it's just lack of sleep and being overworked. 8 hour days should be a thing. Just sayin'.” 

With that, Jensen veered towards his trailer not giving Jared a chance to respond. Jared grumbled to himself, but knew that there was little use in him pushing the issue any further. Besides, what Jensen was saying made sense. He'd certainly had his own “zone out” moments when he was overly exhausted. 

*******************

As the men gathered their things at the end of the security line, Jensen paused, reaching for his belongings in the tray. Jared had been behind him in line, as they made their way through...heading to the last convention of the year after which they would enjoy some much deserved rest. He saw as Jensen reached, then stopped. There was that look. The one that had caused an ever-growing pit in Jared's stomach. “He's just exhausted.” Jared thought to himself. Jensen snapped out of it , grabbing his stuff and headed towards their gate. Jared quickly followed behind, trying hard not to make Jensen feel as though he was hovering. It was a fruitless effort however, and without looking up, Jensen uttered a quiet “I'm fine. I swear.” They boarded their plane without any issues, not having been recognized or at least approached, and they were both thankful. They usually enjoyed fan interactions, and would have put on their best faces had they been approached, always appreciative of the fact they are where they are because of the fans. But, in their exhaustion, it was hard not to be relieved for a somewhat anonymous trip this time. Jensen slept for the entire flight, and for that, Jared was most thankful. 

After landing, they hit the hotel immediately. Jensen passed on their usual “date night” as the fans have come to dub it, opting to facetime with his girls, and order in, hoping the extra rest would help him shake the fuzzy feeling in his head. While Jared was happy to see Jensen get some rest, it worried him that much more. Jensen usually pushed through, and rarely turned down a dinner out. 

The evening had been uneventful and Jensen told himself that probably stress was playing a roll in his not being able to keep his head on straight these days, and knowing the year was winding down and he'd soon have downtime with not only his wife and daughter, but with his best friend, was helping to ease it already. 

“Hey baby. How are things going?” Danneel answered the video call with JJ on her lap. “Hi sweetheart. Daddy misses you.” Jensen made it a point to sound up beat, hiding the exhaustion from his wife, and actively steering the conversation towards his coming home soon and the required pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving. She'd only once made the mistake of not having it, and Jensen made sure it never happened again. He caught up on JJ, they said their good nights, and he shoved a slice of pizza in his mouth as he crashed into his pillow. He just needed to get through tomorrow. 

Jared sent Jensen a quick text to let him know he was back, if he needed anything. Jensen said a thanks and tried to crack a joke about a drunk Jared providing little assistance, and then he slept. The morning would arrive in a blink and Jensen groaned that the fuzzy feeling in his head had not dissipated. He was up. “Just have to get through the day” becoming his mantra. He sent Jared a text, who uncharacteristically replied quickly that he was up and ready. They grabbed breakfast together, both ignoring the elephant in the room. Jared keeping his eyes on Jensen and Jensen with his eyes on his plate, mindlessly pushing around the eggs. 

“Take a picture. It will last longer.” Jensen uttered, suddenly sounding like a petulant child.  
“Real mature. How are you?” Jared responded, taking it as the opening that he knows he needs to wait for when it comes to Jensen and his feelings.  
“I'm still fine. I'm still tired. Lets just grab some coffee and get this day over with. That's all I need right now.” Jensen replied, still with his eyes firmly planted on a plate of half eaten toast and eggs, and sounding a little too much like Dean Winchester. 

With that, the two men silently stood up and headed to the conference area where they would be doing their morning panel, large coffees in hand. They'd left Pacific time and were in eastern time now and the truth was that both men were dragging. “Maybe Jensen really is just exhausted,” Jared reminded himself, as he looked over at Jensen who was self secluded, gears turning behind his eyes. But the gears suddenly stop, and for a moment, Jensen's face lost all expression. Jared felt the pit in his stomach growing larger. Get through the day. Just get through the day. 

Time was crawling by, but finally they were up...first panel of the day. Both Jensen and Jared usually looked forward to this morning panel. It was a smaller audience with a more intimate feel. The question process less formal and it often truly felt like they were standing around “shooting the shit” with a big group of friends. It wasn't unusual for Jensen to let Jared carry the panels occasionally. He was, by nature, an introvert. It seems like an odd profession for an introvert to get into. None the less, he spends a lot of his energy on playing the part of an extrovert, and sometimes it was just easier to let Jared carry the panels so he could recharge. He appreciated that Jared seemed to know when it was needed, without his asking. As they walked through the curtain, he desperately hoped that Jared had already picked up on today being one of those days, but he put on his best face and headed to his mic. 

Mercifully, Jared came through as always, and most of the chit chat was driven by him, with Jensen chiming in to egg him on or agree. As the questions started, the fuzzy feeling in Jensen's head began to roar, almost to a buzz. He couldn't focus on the conversation as it felt further and further distanced from him, and he began to feel a little nauseated. He blamed the coffee. 

“Jensen. Jensen....earth to Jensen!” Jensen heard Jared's voice fade in, as he cracked a joke to cover his concern. Jensen tried to joke about the time zone difference, and stumbled a bit, claiming he was nervous. The crowd laughed, but again...they faded into a fuzzy roar and he felt like he'd fallen into a hole, his stomach churning. He took a step towards Jared, and rested his hand on his shoulder silently, trying hard to convey to him something wasn't right and then he turned to step off stage. Jared, nodded with a mix of understanding,confusion and worry, watching his friend leave the stage. Covering his concern, he joked that the coffee was doing a number on Jensen and he'd be right back, asking the audience to yell out more questions about Jensen so he could tell all before he got back. 

Only a few minutes had passed and while he was talking about the upcoming episode and trying to avoid spoilers, Jared heard a sound both unrecognizable and terrifyingly familiar. A yell...or maybe it was more of a scream. He wasn't sure the audience heard it, but he instantly knew it was Jensen. It was a sound he'd never heard come from the man, not even as Dean, but he knew without a doubt it was him. He didn't even bother covering with the audience and immediately ran back through the curtains. What he found took his breath and froze him on the spot.


	2. Chapter 2

What he found took his breath and froze him on the spot...

Jensen lay on the floor, Rob Benedict and Richard Speight Jr. crouched next to him yelling for help and for Misha Collins in alternating breaths. Jensen was convulsing. One hand drawn up behind his head, the other turned across his chest, his whole body moving in rhythmic silent jerks. Rob had his hand under his head, trying to keep it from banging into the floor. Finding his feet moving before he could even take in a breath, Jared was at Jensen's side.  
“What happened!?” he asked, half yelling and half crying. His hands hovering open above Jensen, not sure whether his touch would make things worse. Rob answered, almost robotically as if he still wasn't processing what was happening, “When he came off stage, he didn't say anything but we could tell something was wrong. He... he sat down and kind of rested his head in his hands. He looked up, confused for a second and Rich was trying to talk to him but he wasn't answering. About the time I was leaving to get Misha, he let out this yell and fell over. He just started seizing, Jared.” Jared was having a hard time focusing on what Rob was saying to him, and everything at that point began to move in slow motion. Misha was soon at their side, gasping a quiet “oh fuck”, and somebody from Creation was on the phone with a 911 operator. Misha had previous training as an EMT many years ago, and everybody was looking toward him to take the lead. But Misha and Jensen had also grown close and he was struggling to keep his emotions in check.  
“What do we do?” Jared asking, almost at a whisper. He wasn't even sure he was talking to anyone in particular. Misha took off his jacket, placing it under Jensen's head, and started timing the seizure. It had been going on for close to three minutes at this point. “Talk to him,” Misha said to Jared, recognizing the look of helplessness on his face. “That's all we can do for now, and keep him from hurting himself.”  
“I'm here Jensen. You're ok. Everyone is here,” his hovering hands finally making contact with Jensen's chest. He repeated it over and over, even as he felt bile rising in his throat. He watched Jensen's face turn ashen and his mouth and lips turn more blue by the second. A trickle of blood fell from Jensen's mouth down his cheek, and as he lay rhythmically jerking, Jared felt himself detach for a moment. He couldn't possibly be kneeling next to Jensen Ackles as he seized so violently he was chewing his tongue and going cyanotic. Misha's voice snapped him back. “Jared! Talk to him. Just talk to him.” and Jared resumed his “You're ok. I'm here. Everyone is here.” chant.

Five minutes into the seizure and the panic was apparent on everyone's faces. It had seemed like 5 hours. Jared caught a glimpse of a growing wet spot forming on Jensen's pants, and without a word he took off his button up shirt and covered Jensen from the waist down. He knew that Jensen would be mortified if anyone had seen that he'd peed his pants. In fact, this whole thing was going to mortify Jensen and for a split second, he entertained the idea with slight amusement before the sheer terror gripped him once again, jerking him violently back to reality. 

“You're ok. I'm here. Everyone is here.” 

At the six minute mark, the paramedics arrived and worked quickly. Jared only then became aware of the rumbling from the panel audience. “Had anyone addressed them?” One of the volunteers seemed to notice where Jared's head was and let him know that they had spoken to them, without giving many details and simply had them holding there until Jensen was on his way to the hospital. They'd take care of everything. When Jared looked at Jensen again, he had an IV, and an oxygen mask and a paramedic was pushing something into his IV. It was almost an immediate result. The convulsions slowed and eventually stopped, and they rolled Jensen on his side as he began to vomit, between rough, deep and extremely labored breaths. That was it. It was that moment, when Jared could feel himself coming apart. Seeing Jensen Ackles, the rock. The one who was always there for him, often Jared's only source of strength when he wasn't with his wife and boys, was laying on the floor, blue, vomiting, bloody and barely breathing. All those times he'd sat as Sam, next to a hurt or dying Dean had done nothing to prepare him for what he was feeling and what he was seeing. The paramedics pushed another med and when Jensen stopped vomiting, they loaded him onto a stretcher while simultaneously discussing how best to get him out of there without too much attention. The event organizers and hotel staff led the way. Jared suddenly felt Rob and Misha's hands on him, and he began to make out Rich's voice, “Breath Jared. Breath. He's in good hands. Lets get going so we can be there with him.” And without another conscious thought, they were all on their way to the local hospital, Cliff Kosterman at the wheel. 

“Danneel and JJ. His parents,” Jared suddenly blurted out. The others looking at him, knowingly. “How can I call and tell them this?” Jared, his voice again only a whisper not really asking the question of anyone. “I can make the calls, if you want.” Rob speaking up. “He never left the hospital when I had my stroke and made all the arrangements to get my family to me. I never thought this is how I would repay him, but I'll gladly do it.” Jared entertained the idea for a moment, before realizing it needed to come from him. “I need to do it. They need to hear my voice.” Jared replied, his tone tankful but determined. “I'll wait to speak with the doctors and go from there.” The rest of the ride was silent, except for the occasional stifled sniffs of a car full of grown men; hiding their tears for what they had just seen. 

By the time they got to the hospital, Jensen was already in a room, being worked up. Jensen and Jared had made each other their medical proxies several years ago knowing that with some of the stunts on the show, they might find themselves in need of medical attention and decisions that couldn't wait for their families to get to Vancouver. Jared, stopping at the desk with his entourage closely behind, told them his name and for whom he was there and he was ushered back quickly. Jensen lay very still. Too still. He was stripped down to nothing but a gown. Oxygen mask on his face and a couple of IV lines running. There were leads coming from his chest, some kind of monitor on his finger...beeping...silence. A nurse taking vitals. Jared looked at his face, which stood stark white against the freckles he'd always given him hell about, and he noticed it had lost it's age. It made it even more difficult to process what Jared was seeing, as Jensen lay there looking so young and fragile. The doctor pulled Jared from his thoughts with a firm hand on his shoulder, “Mr. Padalecki?” “Uh, yeah. Please call me Jared. What's going on with our trouble maker here?” Jared asked, trying hard to keep it light for what reason, he had no idea. The doctor began by asking Jared for as much of Jensen's medical history as he knew. Has he ever had other seizures? Has he had any headaches recently? Any significant injuries or childhood illnesses? Initially answering “no” to the full list of questions, he decided to mention the recent blanking out and what Jensen described as being in a clear box, and everything being muffled. The doctor took it all down and explained that it sounded like Jensen had been having what's known as auras, or small seizures, for awhile now and that he guessed their schedule and extra fatigue had been a perfect storm to trigger the severe generalized seizure Jensen had experienced this morning. Jared interrupted him, and asked the only thing he'd thought of given that Jensen was not epileptic. “Could he have a brain tumor or something?” The doctor put his hand over Jared's hands, that he'd been unconsciously wringing since he set foot into the triage room, and said, “I won't lie to you son, because that is always a possibility. We are going to do what we can to rule all the big scary stuff out though, I promise you that.” And with that, he began giving orders to the nurse as she charted them into the system. “Big scary stuff?” Jared thought to himself. “Wasn't what I just saw big and scary enough?” The nurse, easily recognizing a look on Jared's face that she'd seen from many coming in and out of here on a daily basis, spoke up, “Honey, he's gonna be out for a long time. Is there anyone you need to call or to update? We've got him and we will let you know if anything changes. He's got a lot of tests to go through just yet.” At this point, the nurse now had her hand on Jared's shoulder and he felt grounded again, and was able to get his feet moving. “Keep your feet moving.” Jared thought to himself. It was something Jensen had said to him throughout the years when he was having a hard time. “Just keep your feet moving.” 

Jared patted Jensen on the chest, noticing the dried blood around his lips for the first time and cringing knowing that his tongue was probably mangled. “I'm here. You're ok. Everyone is here. I'm going to go call your girls and let everyone know what's up. Keep your shit together man. Don't cause anymore trouble ok?” Jared half expected a wink from Jensen, or maybe hoped...either way it didn't come and the stillness was unnerving. Jared made his way back to the waiting area, where a larger group than he'd hoped had gathered. There wasn't much to update, but he let them know what he knew and that they were starting tests to see what they could figure out. He left out the bit about a brain tumor, though he could guess that most of them had already entertained the thought. “I need to call Danneel.” he said, not directing it at anyone in particular, and he stepped away without another word. The looks on the faces of everyone as he walked in was almost more than he could stand. There was worry for Jensen, certainly, but there was something akin to pity when they looked at Jared, and it made his skin crawl. So, leaving to make phone calls was a little less terrifying, if for nothing than to escape the eyes on him. At the last second, he decided to call Gen first. The phone rang maybe three times, before she picked up...sounding breathless but happy to hear from him. “Gen...” he trailed off, fighting back the shake in his voice and the tears that threatened to spill from his eyes. “What's wrong?” was her immediate response. Gen knew her husband inside and out. She knew him as well as Jensen knew him, and the tone of his voice was all she needed to hit the panic button. “It's...it's Jensen. Something's happened. I haven't called Danneel yet. I'm not sure if I should or if you think it should come from you.” Jared spilled out, barely taking a breath, mostly because he felt like he couldn't. “Jared...what... Just tell me. Is he hurt? Is it bad? Did he...” Jared cut her off, mustering a sudden burst of emotional energy, having yet to say it out loud, “He's had a seizure, Gen. It was bad. Very bad. He bit through his tongue, and they had to stop it with drugs. God, Gen. He peed on himself in front of everyone and vomited and... All we could do was stand there and watch. He wasn't breathing. He was fucking blue. I just...” and he trailed off, letting tears fall. “Oh God, Jared. Ok. Ok. Uh, let me think. How is he now?”, she rushed through the question as her mind reeled with what should be their next move. “He's out of it. They said he would be unconscious for a long while yet. I've never seen him so white and he almost looks like a little boy laying there. They are doing a bunch of tests. What if he has a brain tumor? How the fuck are we gonna get through his if he has cancer?” Jared was almost screaming at this point, unaware of the passersby as they walked in and out of the hospital. “Jared, take a breath. Let me take care of telling Danneel. You call his parents. We will make arrangements, and get to you...get to both of you as soon as we can. I love you.” A simple, “Ok” was Jared's response as he ended the call, immediately regretting not returning Gen's “I love you” with his own. It didn't even register with Gen, however and all she could think of was telling her best friend that her husband was possibly seriously ill. 

Jared dialed the Ackles and after the second ring, almost ended the call in a panic. But Alan Ackles' voice brought him back to reality. He was always a calm and steady man and his voice reflected that. It grounded Jared in that instant and provided him enough calm to get out the words “Something's happened to Jensen.” Alan didn't respond right away. Maybe only a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity. “Jared....what do you mean? Is he hurt?” Alan's voice breaking the roaring silence. “N...no. He's had a seizure, Alan. It's bad. They are doing some tests to try to sort out what caused it. He's not conscious right now, between the severity of the seizure and the meds they used to stop it, it's going to be awhile before he wakes up.” Jared surprised himself with his calm delivery, but Alan's deep breath and the sound of Donna Ackles in the background asking what was wrong over and over with increasing levels of panic in her voice broke Jared again. “Does Danneel know?” Alan asked, still sounding calm, but at the end of his reserves. “I called Gen first, and she thought it best that she go tell her in person. I'd imagine she's on her way there.” Alan took another deep breath, and Jared gave him the hospital info so they could make whatever arrangements they needed to make. Jared thought for a moment, about his own boys. Jensen was a grown man, a father himself, yet he was still their little boy. The thought of getting a call like that about one if his own boys would have sent Jared over the edge, if he hadn't been focused on “keeping his feet moving”, and he made his way back into the hospital.


	3. Chapter 3

Misha had mindlessly followed Jared out of the room, but realizing what he was doing, he covered by heading to the nearest restroom. Finding it empty, something flipped inside Misha and he found himself sliding down the wall onto the floor. He'd been on autopilot, trying hard to be the EMT he used to be because everyone was counting on that. The reality of what he'd seen washed over him in that moment and he wasn't sure his legs would be able to carry him back to that waiting room. Jensen had become one of his dearest friends. He was kind, humble, always supportive, and harbored a hidden sensitivity to which few people were privy. Misha felt honored to have been brought into his circle. He'd seen a lot of things in his life, but he was positive he would never shake the image of Jensen lying on the floor seizing, not breathing...looking so...so near death. He had no idea how much time had passed, but he forcibly picked himself up off the floor and made his way back to the waiting room. Feeling a both lighter and heavier at the same time. 

Some time passed without any news, except that Jensen was out of CT and was heading for an MRI of his head. Jared had found himself lingering in the hallway, not ready to face the eyes in the waiting room, when his phone rang. Danneel. He expected the call. Even though he told Gen everything, he knew that Danneel would want to hear it all from Jared again, but he was thankful to his wife for telling her first. Jared answered with a “Hey honey. How are you holding up?” Danneel was quiet a second, “I don't know, Jared. I can't even process this. What happened? Has he been having issues? Headaches? Anything that led up to this? I just don't understand how a healthy man can suddenly have a seizure?” Jared began to explain the issues he'd been having that he blamed on being exhausted and missing her and JJ, but that the doctor believes them to have been small seizures all along and he just got so tired, he had a big one. There was a long stretch of silence, when Jared heard the shaky breaths of his best friend's wife crying into the phone. Jared waited for a bit, letting her get it out, then searching for a way to ground her he asked, “Danneel, where is JJ?” That seemed to have had the intended effect and she told him that Gen had taken her. Her family was on it's way to be here with JJ, and that Gen was making arrangements for the boys so they could fly together. “One of us will call when we have it all arranged.” she said, sounding willfully calm. They ended their call and Jared dialed Gen again. His parents would have Tom and Shep. Good. One less worry. “Just get here, ok?” he said to her, with desperation evident in his tone. 

He returned to the waiting room, and the crowd had thinned some. Cliff, Misha, Rob, Rich and a few Creation organizers remained. Jared suddenly found himself annoyed that the event organizers were still there, deciding they were only there because they were worried about their convention and money and not Jensen. It wasn't true of course. They'd been at this so long now they considered many of them to be friends, but Jared needed something to focus on and they were the unfortunate brunt. “Why are you even here?” he glared at them. “Shouldn't you go and handle the rest of the day? We're done here. Make your refunds or whatever. We're done.” Jared's jaw clenched. Misha grabbing Jared's arm, “Jared, they are here because they care about Jensen too. Come on. Lets go get some coffee.” Red hot embarrassment mixed with lingering emotion of the days' events spread over Jared's face. He offered a sheepish apology and stepped out to find caffeine. He loved giving Misha hell with sometimes endless harassment, but the truth is that his level head and truly amazing heart had always drawn Jared to him and he was thankful to have him there. 

A couple of uneasy hours passed, with little more than awkward worried looks exchanged periodically while everyone stared into terrible hospital coffee, when a doctor stepped in asking for Jared. At this point, he felt panic, asking if they should wait for Jensen's wife and parents who'd be here within a few hours. He wasn't sure he wanted to hear what the doctor had to say, at least not on his own. He felt Misha's hand on his back, and Rob and Rich giving him a look. Cliff, behind him as always. None of them would blame him if he decided not to talk to the doctor now, though he knew they were all anxious to hear how Jensen was. He gained his senses again, and followed the doctor out. They went into a room, and Jared's stomach had sunk so low he was sure he could kick it as they walked. Jared sat down, across from the doctor, preparing for the worst news he figured he'd ever gotten in his life. 

“Well, the good news is both his CT and MRI are clear. His seizures are not caused by a tumor.” The doctor led with that news, knowing of course that Jared had braced himself for hearing that his dearest friend, his brother...had a brain tumor. Jared took in a breath, wishing he'd just stop there and tell him Jensen was fine and he'd be home this evening. “His labs don't really point us to anything scary either like issues with his metabolism. So, when he wakes and we get some of these sedatives out of his system, we will do an EEG and take a look at his brain waves. It's not unheard of for adults to develop new onset epilepsy and that could very well be what we are dealing with here. We are getting him settled in a room on a neuro floor and you can head on up there soon.” Jared was trying to absorb what he was hearing. He thought he'd be elated to hear it wasn't cancer, but he hadn't even entertained Jensen actually having epilepsy. How in the hell is he going to continue to live his life as he has with epilepsy? God. What the hell is he going to say to him when he wakes? Thoughts racing through his mind endlessly. He thanked the doctor and returned to the room where everyone had held vigil until now. “He doesn't have a brain tumor.” Jared said, without emotion and not even looking at anyone. “That's good right?” Rich and Cliff said in unison. Jared looked up at that moment and nodded. “But he might have epilepsy. I guess adults can just develop it. They have more tests to do.” Jared sat down with that, deciding to try to call Gen in case they weren't yet on a plane. No answer. They'd call when they landed and he could tell them Jensen didn't have cancer. Hopefully, it would bring Danneel more relief than it had him. 

A nurse returned shortly, telling them they could visit Jensen now, but in groups of two and for short periods. Everyone thought what Misha spoke up and said, “Jared, you go on up first. We'll come in a bit.” With that, Jared got up and followed the nurse to Jensen's room. He remained very still, but seemed more restful rather than unconscious. The color had yet to return to his face, but they had cleaned up his mouth. He had the small nasal cannula now delivering oxygen instead of the mask. Jared, placed his hand on Jensen's chest as if to confirm he was real and alive, and quietly said, “I'm here, man.” and he sat in the chair next to his bed. “You scared the shit out of everyone. I hope you're happy. You are never gonna live this down. I hope you know that.” and his words trailed off as he got a text from Danneel. “How is he?” “Still sleeping, seems more restful now. All his scans of his brain were clear. More tests to come, but no brain tumors.” his reply. It seemed cold, but Danneel's response let him know that she was thankful to have the update. “Flight's delayed.” she said, “But hopefully in the air in the next few minutes.” Relief washed over Jared knowing they were on their way. Alan and Donna on the same flight. Jensen's circle would soon be complete and they'd be surrounding him with as much love as they could muster. Jared, maybe as a way to solidify it and make it real, said out loud, “They are on their way.” Jensen stirred. 

Jensen let out a groan, then winced with pain, placing his hand on his chest. Jared jumped up, placing his hand over Jensen's, “Hey...I'm here. It's ok.” Jensen's focus took awhile, and he tried to ask what happened, when pain seared through his mouth. Grabbing over it, he looked at Jared with a hint of panic in his eyes and it almost broke Jared. “Hey...hey. It's ok. Jensen, you had a seizure. A really bad one. You're at the hospital. Danneel, your parents, and Gen are on their way. You chowed down on your tongue unfortunately. Let me ring the nurse.” Doing just that, Jared let the nurse know Jensen was awake and in pain. She brought in some viscous lidocaine for Jensen's mangled tongue, and asked Jensen if he had pain anywhere else. He nodded laying his hand over his chest. “You had a very bad seizure, Mrs. Ackles, and it lasted quite awhile. It's normal to have some sore muscles, especially around your ribs and sternum.” Jensen nodded, though confusion filled his eyes. She helped him swish the lidocaine, and told them to ring her if he needed anything else. Jensen looked to Jared, painfully asking “What happened?” He gave Jensen the run down, explaining the small episodes he'd been having were probably small seizures all long. “Who saw?” came Jensen's next and not surprising question. “Jensen, don't worry about who saw. We all love you and everyone is here. Try to rest. You have to get hooked up to a bunch of wires soon so they can read what's going on in that brain of yours. I'd imagine they will see a lot of flat lines,” Jared joked, trying to distract Jensen who cracked a small smile. A knock came just then, and Misha poked his head through the door. 

Jensen glanced over, trying to muster a smile for him, which tore through Misha more than he imagined it would. He knew Jensen to be sensitive, but very adept at putting up walls. Acting goofy or grumpy was sometimes more than it appeared to be. It hurt his heart to know that Jensen wanted so badly to hide it this time too, but would not be able to. “Hey there you giant pain in the ass. Trying to steal everyone's thunder today huh?” Misha cracked, wryly, as he made his way over to brush his hand through Jensen's hair, his smile more genuine this time, putting Misha at ease. “Who's here?” Jensen asked, though slurred with pain from his injured tongue. The lidocaine can only do so much. Misha, turning his cringe at Jensen's pain inward, answered that Rob, Rich and Cliff haven't left since he came in. “...and of course this guy,”gesturing to Jared, “has been right here hovering like mother hen.” Jared was thankful for Misha's quick wit, and they exchanged knowing glances. Misha told Jensen he just needed to lay eyes on him, “I'll let the rest of the guys come in and take a look at this spectacle,” and with a wink, Misha left. Rob, Rich, and Cliff filtered in one by one. Jensen tried to tell them to go back to their hotels, but none letting him finish his thought. “Jensen, when Rob had his stroke, you stayed all night. If it hadn't been for you and Misha, I may have lost my mind trying to be there for him and help get things arranged for his family. We aren't going anywhere until we know what's going on and your family is here. So shut up already.”, Rich ended with a wink. He left shortly there after leaving Jared with him to wait on his family. Jensen was much more alert now, but solemn. Jared explained to him what tests he'd had and that they could cross of anything scary growing in his brain. That they should be thankful to confirm he did, in fact, have a brain. The doctor walked in during Jared's lame attempt at humor and explanation and he welcomed the interruption. As the doctor began explaining everything to Jensen, Jared felt Jensen's hand make it's way to his, which had still been resting on the side of the bed next to Jensen. Probably unconsciously, reaching out for some way to ground himself in the reality of what he was being told, but either way, Jared reached back. If he was honest with himself, he needed the connection as well, having heard it all again, it wasn't any easier to stomach. The plane carrying his and Jensen's life lines couldn't get here fast enough.


	4. Chapter 4

Things moved quickly after the doctor left the room and they moved Jensen to an EEG suite. This room had a viewing window connected to a room with a video monitor and read out monitor for people to observe and try and correlate certain episodes or behaviors with the brain activity seen on the monitor. Jensen was quiet. Partly because of the pain his mouth was bringing him, but partly because that was Jensen. Turning inward when the situation became overwhelming. He felt like a zoo exhibit or somebody in a freak show. The techs were busily wiring him up so he could be gawked at through a window. His anger at the situation seemed to be the easiest to reach to get a release, so it was the emotion he focused on in the moment, making him not the easiest patient to deal with. “Take it easy Jensen, they're just doing their job. We gotta see what's going on in your head,” Jared said, trying to break some tension. “WE? How is this happening to WE? I don't see you laying here for everyone to gawk at,” Jensen lashing out at Jared with immediate regret. “I'm sorry,” came shortly after. “Jensen, if it happens to you...it happens to me. I'm here. Let's keep our feet moving. We'll get through it together.” Jensen settled, and they finished connecting everything as Jared's phone buzzed with texts. “We've landed. On our way now. How is he?” Both Gen and Danneel sent almost identical texts. “He's awake. Pissed at the world. They've got him wired up for a video EEG. How are his parents?” Jared hit send at the same time a “Alan and Donna are a mess, maybe call them.” text rang through. Jared told Jensen that everyone would be here soon and he was going to call them to let them know the exact address to the hospital, leaving out that his parents were so upset, and he excused himself to make a call to Alan and Donna. 

“He's ok,” Jared said at the sound of Alan's voice. It was not the voice he'd grown accustomed to all these years. There was no calm in it. Though Alan said no more than he would expect, his tone said enough. “He's awake and mad. Too many people fussing over him and looking at him. You know Jensen. They just got him hooked up for this video EEG. They are going to look for seizures that we can't see and try and see if these episodes he's been having are seizures. Try to map out what's going on in his brain.” Alan took a breath, and repeated what Jared had just told him to Donna. He sounded more like the Alan Jared expected when he came back on the line to say, “Ok son. We'll be there shortly. Thank you Jared. Just...thank you.” and he ended the call. He headed back into Jensen's “enclosure” as they'd soon call it. “Your parents are worried sick. I tried my best to calm them down. I've never heard your dad lose his calm voice before.” Jared said, before regret bit at him. Jensen hated anybody worrying over him. “I told them you were ok and giving everyone trouble and they seemed to relax. They'll be here soon.”, trying to fix any damage he'd done. The machine now recording, they sat back and watched some TV, which is something they often don't get a chance to do. Before they knew it, they were “shooting the shit” as they both called it, recounting their youth on the show, and the trouble they either caused or found themselves caught up in. They wanted, no needed, a real vacation. A beach somewhere. Their families should go together. They knew their kids would be lost without each other. Jensen grew a little quiet when mention of the kids came up. Jared knew where his mind had gone and tried his best to change the subject, but he was saved by a knock on the door and the rest of his lifelines. Gen came in first, followed by Danneel and Jensen's parents. Gen patted Jensen's foot as she made her way around to be engulfed by Jared's embrace. Danneel started crying. She had been so busy making sure she got there, she hadn't had time to really let her self feel it, and seeing her husband, this big strong man who's always busy taking care of everyone else, laying there looking rather helpless, his head wrapped in wires and bandages, she couldn't hold it back. Donna came in behind her, while Alan hung back. Taking in his son. Danneel threw herself at him, causing Jensen to let out a yelp that he tried with all his might to withhold. “Oh honey, I'm sorry! What did I do?” “M' sore 's all. S'ok.” Jensen replied, thick with numbing gel, and still painful. Danneel winced at the sound of his speech, looking to Jared for reassurance. “Our boy here made a snack out of his tongue. They gave him some numbing gel, but it's still pretty sore. I imagine the medicine is wearing off about now too, huh?” looking to Jensen who gave a nod in response. Donna had a vice grip on his hand, and Danneel nestled into his shoulder. Gen sat next to Jared, with her hand rested on Jensen's leg. Alan though, continued to hang back. There was an uneasiness that Jared had never seen in the usually calm and confident Alan Ackles. Jared had hoped he'd read him right, and clearing his throat said, “Hey guys, lets quit smothering Jensen so they can get a good read on this machine of theirs. Can you ladies accompany me to the cafeteria for some horrible coffee?”, and gave a knowing glance to Alan. The girls all followed Jared's glance, and seeing Alan, they all gave Jensen a pat or a kiss and begrudgingly followed Jared out of the room. 

Jensen turning towards his dad, trying to speak but wincing and involuntarily covering his mouth, set Alan Ackles in motion for the first time since he sat foot in his son's room. “Hang on son, let me get somebody.” He rang for a nurse, letting them know he was having a lot of pain in his mouth again. They brought him more numbing gel, and followed that shortly with a meal tray. Mercifully, only soft food. Jensen was starving, and his dad helped him get adjusted so he could eat. Unfortunately, even with the gel, Jensen found swallowing extremely difficult. Alan cringed watching his son struggle. Jensen may be a grown man, but Alan couldn't help seeing his little boy sitting there, each swallow bringing tears to his eyes. He only managed a few bites and sips, and then reslathered his mouth with the gel. Alan sat down at Jensen's side, still uneasy in his movements. “Dad. M' ok.” Jensen said after some uncomfortable silence. “I know, Jensen. Just let me look at you ok?” was all that Alan could say. So they sat, for a time...and Alan patted Jensen on the arm and just like that, calm and collected dad had returned. Jensen would never question it, and Alan would never talk about it, but whatever he needed to work through seemed to have passed. Jared and the girls came back soon after, and Jensen was more comfortable now. “JJ?” he asked. “She's fine Jensen. A ball of energy. Mom and Gino and the Padalecki's are all together so Tom, Shep and JJ can keep each other distracted.” Danneel told him, alleviating his fears. “Well, welcome to the enclosure. We haven't yet smeared our feces, but smelling our fingers which have been god knows where is fair game.” Jared said, breaking a short silence and for a moment everyone looked at him somewhat shocked, but the moment was broken by Jensen's laughter and they all fell into hysterics. “Don't make me laugh!” Jensen managed to get out while holding his chest. Keeping their feet moving. 

Rob, Rich, Misha and Cliff poked their heads in briefly to say hello and bye to everyone that had arrived to be with Jensen, and to give Jensen one last glance. They were already coming up with material for Jensen's new head dress for future convention fodder. Rob's stroke had been fair game, so it was only logical that this incident would follow suit. Jensen groaned, but still let a small smile slip out against his will. Jensen had no idea, but these guys, especially Misha, had been beyond terrified and Misha had only barely kept it together. 

A couple of hours passed, and they decided to play a card game. Jensen was stuck and nobody wanted to leave him, so Rummy seemed like as good a distraction as any and Jared suddenly regretted rolling his eyes at the nurses for bringing the games earlier today. Jared dealt their hands and Donna laughed that she had no idea what she was doing, but everyone knew she was just trying to hustle them. Donna always kicked ass at Rummy. The game went on, filled with joking and an ease that Jared had desperately missed, when it was shattered by Jensen's pause as he reached to draw a card. “Jensen?” Jared questioned. Silence fell over the room as they all stopped to look at Jensen, seemingly frozen as if someone had pressed pause on a DVD. “Jensen?” and Jared reached to hit the button, as instructed when Jensen had an episode. It wasn't that he'd forgotten what was happening, but the ease of the last couple of hours had let him push it down, and distract himself. Seeing that pause that had become all too familiar had brought his false sense of ease crashing down. Danneel broke the silence, “He's been doing that awhile now. I thought he was just tired too, and getting distracted.” Jared nodded, not really feeling up to rehashing anything. Then just like that, Jensen was back, but aware he'd missed something. It left everyone a bit defeated, and not so much up to playing a card game anymore, but they continued anyway, now desperate to find the same ease they all felt was ripped from them. 

While they never found that ease again, they did find themselves caught up in conversation. Reliving the old days and telling funny kid stories. Gen and Danneel decided it was time to eat, and offered to sneak Jensen in some contraband. He smiled before he could help himself, but turned them down. They then rethought their decision, deciding they should stay. “No. Go. Eat. M' fine. Mom...make them go.” Donna, not particularly thrilled with the idea herself, did as her son had asked and escorted the girls to the cafeteria. “Call if you need anything,” Donna said to Jensen, but shifting her eyes to Jared as a note to mean business. The men were left on their own in Jensen's enclosure, and fart jokes soon followed. Even Alan joined in, and the levity was nice. A natural pause came, and they were distracted by the TV for a moment, when Alan caught glimpse of Jensen pressing the button himself. Looking at Jensen, and placing his hand on Jared's shoulder nodding toward Jensen, Alan was getting a glimpse of “the look”. The one Jared had seen over the last few weeks and had created a gnawing pit in his stomach. Confusion mixed with fear, and what can only be described as conscious unconsciousness. After a couple of minutes, Jensen looked up at Alan and Jared, and their looks of concern and his anger again resurfaced. He kept it in check though, and only asked that they give him some space. Hesitant, but knowing that somebody would go into the viewing room when no one was with him, they left him and let the nurses know he was alone. 

Jensen couldn't believe this is suddenly where his life was. Seizures? Epilepsy? How do you go through your life perfectly healthy for 37 years and suddenly develop epilepsy? Would he ever be able to just go back to his life? Take care of JJ? His mind continued to reel, when the now familiar buzz and nausea filled him. The last memory he had was pushing the button and being thankful that his dad wasn't in the room. 

The tech who'd entered the viewing room just after Jared and Alan left, had already noticed the activity changing on Jensen's readings. As Jensen hit his button to mark an “episode”, he leaned over onto the padded bed railing and began to have another generalized, tonic clonic seizure. Jared and Alan hadn't strayed far, so the nurses rushing into Jensen's room didn't go unnoticed. They followed them, to find them re-positioning a seizing Jensen. They stopped silently, at the door, letting the staff do their jobs, but the unconscious grip that Alan had on Jared's arm spoke volumes. Jared couldn't believe he was seeing this again, and he was struck suddenly by sadness that Alan was having to see it at all. His baby boy was in trouble and he was helpless to do anything. The seizure stopped, much shorter than the earlier one and it stopped on it's own. Jensen ended in the same loud, rough and inconsistent deep breaths as his body mechanically tried to realign its breathing and oxygen levels. For a split second he jumped up, shaky and disoriented, not aware of his surroundings, before falling back into his bed and stilling. The nurses got Jensen into a safe position, on his side, and left to page his doctor. Jensen slept.


	5. Chapter 5

Alan didn't speak for a time, but eventually asked Jared if that's what the first one was like. Jared hesitated, but knows if it were one of his boys, he'd want the truth. “No. The first one was a lot worse. It lasted close to 8 minutes and they stopped it with drugs.” Jared decided to leave it there, but would answer Alan further if he asked. He didn't, and for that Jared was grateful. The girls came back just then, chatting and light hearted. Seeing Jensen still, laying unnaturally on his side, stopped them in their tracks. “What...did something happen? Why didn't you call me?” Danneel the first to speak. “It just happened and we hadn't had a chance yet,” Jared tried to sound calm. “It what? What happened?” Donna this time, fear clear in her voice. “He had another seizure,” Alan answered, as he wrapped his arm around Donna's shoulders. And with that, the reality hit them. This wasn't a fluke. A one time thing in an over worked, overly exhausted man. Their world had just changed forever. 

The doctor came in shortly, breaking the silence that now filled the room. “Well, it looks like we have enough info to go ahead and get Mr. Ackles unhooked from all this mess and let him get some real rest. The doctor went on to explain that each episode self reported correlated with seizure activity, and they both preceded the larger generalized seizure. They originated from his left temporal lobe, and he asked them if anyone remembers Jensen ever mentioning feelings of dejavu. Danneel spoke up then and said that yes, for close to a year now, Jensen joked that he must have had a past life that was pretty much the same because he was always feeling like he'd lived a certain event before. They just joked about the dejavu, giving it little thought beyond just that. “The temporal lobes are responsible for memories and sensory input, among other things,” the doctor began, “It's why he was feeling like he'd already lived a certain experience. A small seizure misfire in his temporal lobe made him interpret what he was experiencing as a memory. The same with the “clear box”, he described to you Jared. His sensory input was skewed by these misfires and caused him to misinterpret his surroundings. They felt quieter and further away to him than they actually were. Most temporal lobe seizures are a very subjective experience. People can go years with these small, almost other worldly experiences, and it's not until they have a significant generalized seizure like today that we discover the seizure disorder.” Danneel interrupted, “So what does this mean for him going forward?” fear and uncertainty permeating the entire room. “Well, the good news is, we usually have a lot of success treating left temporal lobe epilepsy. We'll start him on medication, moving up slowly on his dosage to avoid any side effects. We are messing with the brain's chemistry here, so I want to be very careful. The most common for the med I want to try first, called Keppra, are personality changes. Mainly irritability, anger, etc. You'll know quickly if he's going to be effected by it, but again going up slowly on dosing should help alleviate that.” The doctor stayed, patiently answering everyone's questions. How long before we know if it works? What do we do in the meantime if he has more seizures? They were given the run down of his plan. Jensen would stay inpatient a few more days, to give his tongue time to heal enough to be more comfortable eating and drinking. He would need the IV fluids until that could happen. He prescribed a nose spray that Jensen could carry with him to stop a seizure that lasted longer than 5 minutes, but seizures up to that they could handle at home. Just being sure he was safe, and they followed precautions with his positioning. Jared had done his own blanking out at that point. He couldn't believe he was here, listening to all of this and it was about Jensen. Again, his mind wandered to how mortified Jensen would be to know that everyone was sitting around staring at him and talking about him while he slept off the last seizure. 

By the time Jensen woke, his head was free of wires and he was back in a regular room. Jared and Alan were chatting at his side, and the girls were hovering over him fixing blankets that didn't need fixed and fluffing pillows that didn't need fluffed. “It happened again, huh?” he said, wincing as he was painfully reminded of his injured tongue. Danneel sitting down, then laying her head on his shoulder, answered, “Yeah, but we've got you figured out now. They saw what they needed to, hon. You do have a form of epilepsy and it's in the part of your brain that controls memories and your senses. You know how we joke about your dejavu? That's what has been going on this whole time. Small seizures. But, ever the overachiever, you had to step up your game with the big one,” Danneel joked, lightly nudging Jensen. He remained quiet though. Processing what she'd just told him. Epilepsy. “What now?” he asked, quietly. Not sure if he was even actually asking anyone, but Jared answered just the same. “You start medicine. Apparently it can make you a little bitch, so you have to start taking it slow.” That did get a small smile out of Jensen, though Jared flushed a bit at having used that language in front of Jensen's parents. “And what...I take the meds and I'm normal again?”, hesitation in Jensen's voice, not sure he really wanted to know the answer. “Uh no, Jensen. You were never normal. There's no pill for that. But you should be without seizures,” Jared answered with a wink. Jensen smiled at his friend, working so hard at keeping things light and he appreciated it. 

It was late, and nobody had actually gotten around to getting hotels sorted, so as much as they hated the idea, they needed to leave and get settled in somewhere for the night. Danneel planned to stay there, since he had a private room, and she sent the others with her things. Jared lingered, still not sure the day he'd had was real and needing again to touch Jensen in some way to truly believe this was real and he was here. He laid his hand across Jensen's chest, the other he ran through his hair. “I'll be back in the morning, man. Please, for the love of God, behave yourself tonight, ok?” Jensen nodded. Jared stood up with Gen, and Jensen's parents to leave. “Dad?” Jensen whispered, and it cut through Alan, to his very soul. He sounded so young. “I'm sorry, Dad.” Alan looked at him confused. “What are you talking about, son? This isn't your fault.” Alan's calm voice soothing him. “I mean, I'm sorry you had to see it,” Jensen said. “Don't worry yourself with that. I'm a big boy. You're going to be fine. We all are.” Alan didn't give Jensen a chance to respond, and he left with Gen and Donna. Jensen relaxed some when he was left with his wife. He'd known her even longer than Jared, though they only realized their love for each other after a few years of friendship. Truth be told, they each knew long before their time filming a movie called Ten Inch Hero, but Jensen had grown accustomed to being “friend zoned” and he didn't want to risk losing her entirely by suggesting they take things further, and Danneel had a similar thought process. The denial went straight out the window once they were working together on the movie, both deciding that the other was worth the risk. 

They called home to check on JJ, who was of course having the time of her life being spoiled rotten by her grandma and Uncle Gino and extra set of grandparents, the Padaleckis. They sent their love to Jensen. They adored him, loving him for loving their son and keeping him grounded when he was struggling through anxiety and depression. He knew the kids were in good hands. Saying their goodbyes, Jensen felt overwhelming exhaustion creeping in. He needed desperately to hug his wife, and while the pain of that movement took his breath, he wrapped his arms around her and she settled in next to him, praying she would not have to witness a seizure herself. It would be a sleepless night for Danneel, but thankfully only because she was an unwilling victim of her own anxieties. Jensen rested peacefully. 

Jensen would be the only one who rested peacefully. Back at the hotel, everyone made calls to update all the extended family. Jared and Gen spent most of the night going over what he'd seen that day, and what had transpired over the last several weeks. “I knew something wasn't right. Everybody zones out sometimes, right? But I couldn't shake the ache in my chest when I'd see that look on his face. I should have pushed him sooner. Told him something wasn't right,” Jared rambled. “Honey, what do you think you could have said? What would he have said? I'm betting everyone would have just told him he was overworked. There's no sense in beating yourself up over something that can't be changed now. We have to focus on now, and where we go from here. It could take awhile for Jensen to adjust. Jared, you have to be prepared for the fact that he's probably going to have more seizures until they get his medication adjusted.” The thought hadn't actually crossed Jared's mind, that this wouldn't be an instant fix. Of course, logically he knew that. But the logical part of his brain hadn't functioned very well since he saw Jensen laying on the floor, appearing to be dying. The rest of their night was quiet, filled with constant replays over and over of the scene from the day running through Jared's head. 

Alan and Donna had fared no better. Though they remained mostly quiet, neither was able to truly sleep. Their children had been healthy. There first taste of the unknown that comes with medical issues was when their grandson was born with Down Syndrome. There was a litany of tests that needed to be done to make sure he was healthy, and it was a worrisome time. But he was healthy, and they felt lucky to have been blessed with a healthy grandson and the extra chromosome was just a bonus. So, to see his own son...his baby boy in pain, and scared, it was hard for Alan to handle. Donna had been all business. She rarely hesitated to share what she truly thought about any given situation, especially when it came to her boys, but she hadn't actually expressed much emotion over all. She'd simply gone into care taker mode. Alan, suddenly realizing he'd been too wrapped up in his own worries and fears broke through the silence. “How are you holding up?” he said to Donna in the darkness of their hotel room. She didn't answer right away, and he wondered if maybe she finally managed some sleep. “It isn't fair,” came a whisper. “He's good. He's so good. His heart. His mind. He deserves what he's made for himself here. It isn't fair.” Alan listened quietly. He could say that nobody deserves something like this and Jensen wasn't above anyone else. But that's not what Donna meant, and he knew that. She was just working through it. He reached out and pulled her to him and the rest of the night was spent in quiet.


	6. Chapter 6

The next day would bring a lot of information and education on day to day with the new normal. Jared and crew had arrived, and much to Danneel's and his parents protests, Jensen asked Gen to take them all back to the hotel, after they'd spent the morning learning about seizures and aftercare; when to call an ambulance, his medication schedule, what to do if he'd missed a dose, how important sleep and regular schedules were...basically what Jensen saw as “how your life has ended as you know it.” 

“You need to get some rest, honey. I know you didn't sleep last night. I'm guessing none of you really rested.” Jensen urged Danneel, then the others. “Gen, can you please take them back to the hotel. Y'all get some rest today, then come have dinner with me. I think I'll be able to eat some real food this evening.” Jared noticed he'd not been included in the plea for everyone to get rest. It didn't escape any of them, and everyone knew Jensen needed Jared, or their protests might have been more vehement. They gave their hugs and and headed out. “Please get some sleep.” Jensen's last request, as they filtered out of the room, leaving the boys on their own. 

“I need to know everything.” Jensen said after a long stretch of silence. “What do you mean? We've already talked about it.” Jared feigned confusion, knowing exactly what Jensen was asking and feeling a little panic rising up in his gut at the idea of reliving yesterday. “Please, Jared. Tell me. I need to know what...what it looked like I guess. What people saw. I needed to know everything.” 

Jared, realizing it wasn't fair for him to deny his friend's plea, began telling him the details. “Do you remember walking off stage?” The last thing Jensen really remembered was having breakfast that morning. So, Jared filled in the rest from that point. “...and that catches you up.” Jensen had listened in silence. Looking down at his hands mindlessly fidgeting with his blanket. When Jared was done, Jensen didn't say anything for a time. He looked up at Jared, who by now was white, and shaky after reliving it, “So, I peed my pants? Like in front of everyone?” And there it was....of all the gut wrenching details, convulsions, blue face from no oxygen, bloody mouth, vomiting...he latched on to peeing himself. “Of course I peed myself. A man doesn't fall over convulsing and have full control of his bladder,” he followed, with a smirk. Jared, almost choking, trying to hold back his laughter and the tension finally broke once and for all. “Seriously, dude. I'm sorry you had to see it. It would have scared the shit out of me if the situation was reversed.” Jared nodded, “It scared the shit out of everyone.” 

The afternoon brought Bob Singer and Jeremy Carver to the hospital. They had a break coming up already, and there'd be no problem pushing back filming another week, then scheduling the next week to get everyone's scenes in, saving Jensen's for the home stretch of the episode. They'd make it up here and there for the rest of the season as needed. It would give him a full month off. Jared was irritated that they were even talking about this. “How about show a little concern here guys?” Jensen grabbed his arm, “Jared, it's fine. We have to sort this out. They could have just told me this over the phone instead of flying all the way out here.” Jensen had a point, but Jared needed to let out one last grumble to make his point. The men chatted for awhile then, small talk mainly about upcoming holidays, when Jensen had a small seizure mid sentence, giving both producers a glimpse into what had been going on the last month or so. Jared glanced their way, the men nodding in acknowledgment. Thankfully, there was nothing more significant that followed. Bob and Jeremy left soon after, feeling a bit defeated by having seen even a small glimpse into what everyone had been telling them. Reality isn't what it's cracked up to be. 

Quiet again, Jensen fidgeting, “Jared, what if...what if the meds don't work? How can I possibly live like this? Danneel and JJ shouldn't have to have a useless man hanging around. How can I give them the life they deserve if I can't even finish a sentence?” Jared knew that Jensen wasn't really looking for an answer. He gave his forearm a squeeze and a pat. “We'll worry about that when/if the time comes. For now, we just keep our feet moving.” Funny, it had always been Jensen's adage for Jared, but he was finding it easy to turn back on his friend. 

Supper time, and the family returned with good food. The mood definitely light, everyone glad to have a plan and know that medication was now in Jensen's system, though it would be a couple of weeks before he'd reached full dose. They ate, Jensen still finding it quite painful, but starving he pushed through. After bellies were full, Jared and Gen took a walk, and Donna and Alan stepped out to check on things at home, and discuss when they'd feel ok going home. Jensen would be heading to Texas as soon as he was released anyway. Danneel snuggled into Jensen, still feeling so unsure, and needing to touch him. They didn't talk, so when Jensen had his tell-tale feeling of being far off, and not able to answer anyone, Danneel didn't notice as her head lay on his chest, his arm around her shoulders. She felt his arm tighten around her, at first registering it as a hug and she snuggled in deeper, but with suddenly glaring clarity, she realized that Jensen was seizing. She'd prayed all night she would never see this, and for a moment, she thought she'd just stay right where she was, and not look up at all. She pulled away, seeing her husband contorted, jerking, head drawn back, and arms locked...and her heart fell, as her breath left her body. She pulled the emergency chord behind Jensen's bed and soon nurses surrounded him, as Danneel stepped back, hand over mouth trying to muffle sounds she wasn't sure she could even make. Mercifully, the seizure only lasted about 30 seconds. He was beginning to relax as the nurses were at his side. “This is a good sign.” one of them said to Danneel. “It was a short one and it stopped by its self. It's a good sign honey. ” Danneel nodded, emotionless. Jared and Gen walked back in just then, stopping in their tracks, with defeat written all over Jared's face. “She...she said it was a good thing. It was short. It stopped on it's own.” Danneel repeated, like a recording, her eyes locked on Jensen. Jared and Gen instantly moved to Danneel, one on each side, helping her find the ground she desperately needed. She melted into them, and they stood, watching Jensen sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapters are a little slower coming and a little shorter...but I'll keep working. Just have some life stuff to deal with at the moment. Thanks for reading and for all the kudos and comments!

The doctor came by, awhile after, and by that time Donna and Alan had returned as well. Jensen was still sleeping. “Why does he keep having these big seizures now when he's not had them all this time? ” Donna asked, as it seemed everyone else was still lost in what felt like defeat. “Sometimes, once the brain misfires to a point of it spreading throughout the whole brain, it then becomes more prone to the generalized seizures. It's very common. It's like the flood gates have finally opened. It doesn't mean anything in terms of control. If we are going to get control with one med, we still will despite these seizures. I'm told this one was very mild, not even effecting his breathing. That's a very good sign. It's possible that even at this low dose of medication we are already seeing some benefit.” Relief seemed to seep in at that point and everyone took a collective, but guarded breath. The doctor did a quick cursory check of Jensen, then left the family again to patch another hole in their fragile new world. 

Jensen's post ictal state, the period immediately following a seizure, was also much shorter this time, adding more reason to believe that the medication is doing something. He startled, a bit groggy, to find a scenario he's unfortunately become familiar with. Everyone, standing around staring at him with that look. But it was Danneel who caught his eye the most. Jensen had never seen in her what lay behind her eyes just then, as she looked back into his. His face seared red with anger, embarrassment...maybe even shame. He'd spent the night before, mostly pretending to sleep, knowing that Danneel was not able to rest. He'd prayed all night that she would never see a seizure like that, and yet there it was. That look in her eyes. Jensen started to speak, but stopped...he turned away, hiding tears he hoped nobody would see. Not for himself, but for Danneel and for JJ. The “what ifs” filling his mind. His turning away sent Danneel rushing to his side, but locked Jared where he stood. In fact, Danneel was the only one to move. Jensen put on a good tough guy show for everyone, but Jared had seen his tears a few times over the years. But these tears...they were coming from a broken place and it almost broke Jared to see them. Jared felt a tug at his arm, as Gen was motioning him to step out behind her and the Ackles'. Jensen and Danneel needed to work through this without a bunch of eyes on them. All Jared wanted to do was wrap his arms around Jensen, like Jensen had done for him during his darkest times. But he knew he needed to step back and so they left the two. Danneel had again assumed her position on Jensen's chest, while the broken far off look remained on Jensen's face, still willing his tears not to fall. 

“It will be ok you know.” Danneel finally breaking the silence. Jensen didn't respond right away. After a breath, the only thing he could say was “I'm sorry.” Danneel wanted nothing more than to take it all away. She hugged him tighter, as if she squeezed hard enough, it would just reset everything. “Don't do that. Don't apologize,” she said with a touch of anger in her voice. Anger not for Jensen, but for what appeared to be breaking the strongest man she knew. “We just have to pull our bootstraps up and move forward.” Again, she was met with a long silence, when Jensen finally spoke. “What if the meds don't work and JJ sees this? I can't be alone with her. I can't drive her anywhere. How can I be the father she deserves?” Danneel knew that he was just working through the “what ifs” and her answers were not going to truly settle his mind, so rather than answer them directly, she simply said “You will always be what JJ needs....what I need.” and with that, they spent some time intertwined in each others arms, but lost in their own heads.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trying to pick this back up. Life is crazy. We became foster parents and currently have two babies, only 7 months apart! Finding time to write again has been so difficult. Thanks for hanging with it and for bearing with me, as I slowly try to complete this.

Somehow, sleep found them both. Danneel before Jensen. As he felt the weight of sleep take over and she began to feel heavy on his chest, he managed to let it take over himself. It was late by now, and Jared, Gen, and the Ackles had returned to check on them, and leave for their own battles with sleep. They found the two quiet and they whispered a prayer that they would find rest. Jared left a note, for them to call if anything came up. He wasn't sure why, except that maybe it was something to make him feel useful in this whole mess, and he just felt strange leaving without actually seeing Jensen and Danneel were ok. But, reluctantly, he followed the rest out of the room, leaving the two to what he desperately hoped would be an uneventful night. 

The Ackles had talked and were waiting to see how tomorrow would go for Jensen before deciding when to go home, and too exhausted to do anything else, they headed to their hotel room and melted into their bed. Gen did similar, but Jared, while feeling the same exhaustion as everyone else, he couldn't detach. It was just his nature. So many worries about what if's and how's. He laid for awhile, his mind unable to quiet and building misplaced anger at Gen's ability to sleep, he decided to text out some updates. Misha had resisted the urge to blow up his phone, but had sent several texts asking for updates. The same from Rob and Richard as well as Clif and several other cast/family that had grown close to both men over the years. Jared sent out a mass update to everyone, and tried to sound as positive as he could, even though he was having a hard time believing what he was typing. Everyone responded and sent their love, making Jared feel a little less alone with his thoughts. He returned to bed, and snuggled into Gen for another long night dominated by the dialogue in his head. 

Unfortunately, much of the same was happening back at the hospital. While both Danneel and Jensen had fallen asleep, it was short lived. Their heads swirling with the last several months, and especially the last several days, and what they might be in for in the future ripped them both from sleep. They each knew the other wasn't sleeping; Danneel knowing that pushing Jensen to talk was a lost cause, and Jensen knowing Danneel probably wanted him to talk but he just didn't have the emotional bank to do so right now. So they lay in the dark and the quiet, with their own thoughts. Jensen stirred to go to the bathroom, the soreness in his chest lingering but much improved, he made a less than graceful exit from bed and mumbled angrily to himself, trailing off as he saw the note from Jared. He grabbed his phone and headed to the bathroom. It was 3:30 in the morning. While he felt guilty for not talking to his wife, he told himself he just didn't want to put anything more on her than she was already feeling. He hesitated, feeling the same guilt of burdening Jared, before sending a text. 

“U up?”  
Jared responded immediately. “Yes. U ok? Should I come?”  
“No no. It's ok. I...I don't know what I wanted. I shouldn't have even bothered you man.”  
“I'm not sleeping anyway. You basically ruined that for me. Maybe for life. So thanks for that.”  
“Uh, sorry?”  
“Lol. I'm joking Jensen. Are you sure you don't need me?”  
“Yeah. I'm sure. Gonna try to go back to bed.”  
“You typed so many words. Where are my one word Jensen texts?  
“Bed. Now.”  
“Ata boy.”  
“Night ya moron.”  
“Night.” 

On the surface, the short text exchange was quick and inconsequential, but there was so much more to those quick texts. Both men smiled and took a deep breath, and with that breath both became a little lighter. Jensen returned to Danneel, asking him if he was ok. He answered yes, and for the first time in awhile...he believed it. And so, they slept.


	9. Chapter 9

The morning came too quickly, but with it a new sense of peace. There were still plenty of what if's, but that quick 3:30 AM text, which on the surface said nothing at all, actually said everything for Jensen. He had an amazing woman at his side, and a friend who answered a middle of the night text instantly and was ready to be at his side. He had so much family, both by blood, and the one he created and built around him. He wasn't alone and he didn't have to try to handle this on his own like he had tried too many times before with other things in life. Morning rounds would bring news that Jensen was ready to go home if everyone was comfortable with it. The doctor explained again the course for achieving “therapeutic dose” on his medication and that the seizures were scary, but generally not dangerous as long as he was kept safe during them. He reiterated that it was promising that he was already seeing a change in the seizures, but left it up to him and Danneel whether or not he wanted to remain in the hospital another day or two. While the choke of fearing the unknown gripped them both, Jensen desperately wanted to go home, and so the orders were being written up as the rest of the gang made their way to the hospital. 

While Jared too had felt a sense of peace after the short conversation with Jensen during the night, he couldn't help to be hit with a new sense of dread when he arrived to find that Jensen was being discharged. “Are you sure he's ready?” Jared asked more than one nurse who were coming in and out with paperwork and informational pamphlets with lame titles like “Seizures and you.” It's almost like the reality only now set in for Jared. Jensen wasn't fixed. This all really did happen and now they all had to go back to life without really knowing what was coming next. And, after all, the unknown is ultimately the most frightening thing we all face. 

Jensen was feeling better than he had in a very long time, but he as he sat on his hospital bed, bags packed, he became lost in his fear, insecurities, and what if's. He suddenly weighed what felt like a metric ton, and he couldn't seem to get him self up. His desperation to go home obliterated by a new life he didn't ask for, and came with no instructions. Maybe he should have stayed another day or two. But then he knew he'd be exactly where he is now, and only prolonging the inevitable. Danneel's voice faded into his consciousness, laced with fear, bringing him back to the present. 

“Are you ok? Was it another seizure you think?” Danneel asked, clearly feeling the same things Jensen was.  
“No, I'm ok. I was just lost in thought.” was Jensen's truthful reply.  
“You'll tell me now, won't you? If you feel off?” Jensen was getting used to the way Danneel looked at him, the way everyone looked at him. Like they were analyzing every expression. “Yes. I swear.” He was getting used to it, bu he didn't like it. 

Jared, Gen, Danneel hovered their way through the airport over Jensen, having booked the same flight home. Jensen tried hard to remind himself that they loved him, and they were just doing what they knew to do. Had the shoe been on the other foot, and he'd seen what was described to him happen to Jared, he couldn't be sure he wouldn't do the same, maybe even more so. The flight home was quiet and uneventful. In fact, the realization had washed over everyone that the whole day was uneventful. Jensen had zero seizure activity, not even any auras. It made settling in at home much easier to do that evening. 

The holidays would come and go rather quietly. Everyone around Jensen had seemed to relax some as it became clear the medication was doing it's job. They weren't looking at him with the same look as they had, like they were searching for any sign that he might have a seizure. The only exception to this, was Jensen himself, mainly when it came to JJ. He'd made excuses to not be alone with her for even a few minutes, even when other people where in the house. It had become such an overriding force in his life, the fear that she would see him have a seizure, that it was making living with him difficult. He knew this. But he couldn't get past it, well that is until JJ herself put a stop to it. 

She was a smart kid. Only a little over 3 and a half, but everyone always said wise beyond her years. She looked and acted older. She often took the protector role with the Padalecki boys, even though she was between them in age. So it shouldn't have come as any surprise her seemingly innocent role in what would help everyone move forward. JJ hadn't been given any details, only that daddy had gotten sick, but they would soon learn that she had picked up on the gravity of it all. 

After the holidays, with family clearing out of the house, Jensen found himself becoming acutely aware of the impending emptiness this would bring. His annoyance at everyone insisting they come to their house to make it easier on him (he felt fine and was really done being the center of attention) quickly faded. Jensen sat with JJ in the livingroom playing with her new toys and games as Danneel saw off the last of the house guests, Jensen's parents. She made her way back to the kitchen to start the clean up. Anxiety enveloped Jensen like a thick fog and he found himself moving toward the kitchen without a word, seemingly not even of his own control. His fear of being alone with JJ had overtaken him to the point of being robotic, too painful to even register. But it was her little voice that cut through the cloud that surrounded him in that moment. 

“Daddy?” she said, with a pensive tone. “Where are you going? We haven't finished our game.” 

Jensen was unable to answer. He didn't know how, but he blurted out “To help mommy.” JJ, quiet for a moment, as if she was taking special care to formulate her next move, stood up and walked over to Jensen. She raised his hand, carefully folding down all of his fingers except for his pointer and she gently touched her pointer finger to his. “Daddy, mommy doesn't need help. If you are afraid of playing this game and losing, I'll help you. I'll always help you, Daddy. You don't have to worry.” 

Jensen smiled and took her hand, awash with a sudden realization that he hadn't given his little girl enough credit and a peace that he never imagined she'd be the one to bring. Maybe she didn't realize what those particular words would mean to him, maybe she did in some small way. But it became what he needed to take the final step forward, and with that they returned to their game. She did indeed help him. They decided at that point to educate her on the what if's, as best they could. Showed her how to call for help. She amazed the with her openness and fearlessness. As it turned out, she likely wasn't going to need to put her knowledge to the test. Jensen was doing very well, and he looked forward to getting back to work. Although he expected all eyes on him for awhile, and cringed at the thought, working would give him his outlet back 

Even though he didn't feel like he needed the extra time off from filming, they had already made the schedule to give him that time. Danneel fretted and made Jared promise to keep his eyes on him at least 20 times. “You'll watch for any hiccups right? Keep your eyes on him?” she'd asked at least a half dozen times the day Jensen was leaving to head back to Vancouver. “Maybe we should go up with you?” she asked another half dozen times. “No, I need to do this.” Jensen would replay each time. 

Stepping off the plane in Vancouver, Jensen was more apprehensive than he'd imagined he would be. He felt great. No seizures in a month. But he was worried about the looks from the crew. Nobody had really seen it aside from the main cast. But they all knew it, and he almost turned tail and headed back to Austin just to avoid the looks he was sure to get. He was welcomed back with a huge ridiculous to do, and they were already using the seizure for fodder to give him a hard time. It made him smile, and with that, the first crack in Jensen's armor. He would lose it piece by piece as he found himself falling back into his groove with work. So he carried on, dropping a piece here and another there, until he finally felt lighter and more like himself. 

Jared, on the other hand, was mother henning Jensen to the brink. Jensen had expected as much. He'd imagined many times what it would have been like to see something similar happen to Jared. But if he asked him if he was ok one more time, or if he was getting too tired...he figured he was gonna lose his mind. 

“Jared...chill the hell out dude. I.am.fine. It's been over a month since I've had any kind of seizure activity at all. I feel fine. I'm making sure I get as much sleep as I can considering our ridiculous schedule. I feel better than I have in maybe a year.” Jensen released in a bit of a tirade of frustration when Jared had asked one too many times if he was sure he was alright. 

“I'm sorry. I can't get it out of my head and you know how hard we work and being overly tired is a trigger. I just can't see that again. Maybe it's selfish.” Jared said, almost with a sigh of defeat.  
“I know, man. I know. I've tried to imagine how it would feel to have seen you go through that. I'd probably be on you like a shadow too. But we have to move past this. I really am ok. The meds work. I want us to get back to us, dude.” Jensen pleaded. 

Jared nodded, and gave Jensen a shoulder and a butt pat, a gesture they often shared to say they had each other's backs. 

“I guess we will just keep our feet moving.” Jared said as he headed to set ahead of Jensen. 

“Don't use my words on me!” Jensen yelled as Jared gave him a quick smiling glance back, and then threw his water bottle at him. 

And so...they pick up where they left off. A wrench in the plans isn't always the end of it all, as long as you just keep your feet moving. 

Fin.


End file.
